365 Questions--February 10

Do you sometimes find it hard to love yourself?

I would be lying if I said I love exactly who I am every single day. I don't think I'm a malicious person, but sometimes I can be a little extreme. My emotions are very clear in the sense that I have no gray area. Either I like someone or I don't. I trust someone too much or I don't trust them at all.  Sometimes I look back and I see all the bad decisions I made knowing it was a bad decision when I made it, but I still did it. When I look back, I recognize that I didn't love myself enough in that space of time. 

The crazy thing is I know that I mean well when I make the decision, but I'm always so willing to put myself last. Some of you may ask what exactly I mean by that. When I was in high school, I met this guy and I fell into like a deep, deep love. When I turned about 18, I moved closer to where he was and started spending more time with him. I knew he was a dope boy before any of this had started. So what I did was start let him using my car to make his drops knowing that everybody knew that he was a dope boy, and he was driving my car knowing that I was in the only person with that car with that county on the tag. One night, we were in Tallahassee and we got to an area were police were literally everywhere and we had drugs in the car. He told me "if you love me, and we get pulled over, I need you to say it's yours." Now, let's take a look at the situation. I am in college, trying to get my life together. He is a dope boy. He's not in school, doesn't have a legitimate job, nothing, but he wanted me to put my life on the line so that he could continue with his life. Crazy, right? What's worse it I was gonna do it until his friend in the back seat agreed to do it. My boyfriend had already been locked up for possession before so I thought it would've been better if I just said it was mine. 

There are far worse situations that I've been in, but I just decided to use that example for the time being. But this is what I mean when I say I made bad decisions. I didn't love myself enough. A lot of times, I replay those situations in my head and beat myself up for it. I'm just now starting to get to a place where I can love myself enough to forgive myself. 

Cause if I let him do it, I did it to myself
And I was so dumb, I admit it, I need some help!
Cause all that I can see is she's prettier than me
I wish I had her body!
I can hear my self-esteem
I don't like me, me!

--K. Michelle